Having an amicable divorce may seem like a contradiction in terms. But it can be done and it’s better for everyone involved. This is Good Divorce Week (Resolution‘s annual campaign seeking to limit conflict in divorce), so here are our top tips for keeping it amicable and having a good divorce.
1. Choose your reason
You can evidence that your marriage has broken down irretrievably in 4 ways:-
- That you have been separated for one year and both parties consent to the divorce;
- That you have been separated for two years in which case, no consent is required;
- On the basis of unreasonable behaviour; or
- On the basis of adultery.
The process of divorce can be emotionally draining. To limit your exposure to stress the best approach is to make strategic instead of emotional decisions. This will help your sanity and your bank balance. You may have grounds for adultery, but if two years have passed between the period of separating and raising divorce proceedings, the cheapest and most efficient route would be to divorce on that basis and to leave any need for recognition of your spouse’s adulterous behaviour to another arena.
2. Be focused
Divorce proceedings should be outcome focused. The objectives are: to get divorced; to regulate any financial provision on divorce; and typically, to regulate the residence and contact of any children under 16. A divorce is not the forum to vent emotional frustrations or to be swayed by emotional needs; emotional satisfaction is desirable, but it is not a key objective.
3. Be good parents
How are your emotions not relevant when decisions are being made about your children? It doesn’t get any more emotional than this does it?
In Scotland, it is the welfare of the child that is the paramount consideration. Simply put, the parties’ emotional needs are not relevant when it comes to making decisions about children except in one limited circumstance (which is if there has been domestic abuse, but that is a blog for another day).
Divorce is an adversarial process, but in reality, it has to be a collaborative one when it comes to parenting and making decisions about children in the context of a divorce. It is about what works best for the children, not the adults. Achieving an amicable divorce will always be better for your children.
4. Less is more!
Always ask whether the action you are about to take serves your objectives. If it doesn’t help, don’t do it! This is particularly important in the context of communication. Don’t send angry texts, or post on Facebook! Try to think of divorce as a business negotiation. It is not going to help your cause if you create unnecessary resistance to sensible negotiations.
5. Get your finances in order
When it comes to orders about financial provisions on divorce, any order must be reasonable having regard to the resources of the parties. This means that you will need to provide the court with evidence of your income and expenditure, and other general resources even when those resources may be excluded from the matrimonial pot! Start to collate this information as soon as possible in the process to avoid unnecessary last-minute stress. Take photos of receipts as you go, and save them on your phone in a budget folder. You will be glad that you did when you are asked to provide a schedule of your income and expenditure.
A family lawyer will help you stay focused and result-orientated to help you achieve an amicable divorce with the best possible outcomes. This article is not intended to minimise the emotional impact of divorce but rather to help you through the process as painlessly as possible. And importantly with an eye on the best result that can be achieved for you.
6. Accept both parties could be worse off
Some partners try to “get one over” their spouse when it comes to their divorce settlement – especially if they believe their partner was the one responsible for the break-up. Others feel they deserve a larger slice of their accumulated assets and this can lead to tension between the parties during divorce proceedings.
However, separating couples need to realise that divorce is an expensive process – and neither of them will be a financial winner once the divorce is complete.
7. Be ready to compromise
One of the most common reasons for divorce proceedings to drag on is when couples are unwilling to compromise when it comes to splitting their possessions, property, or money.
Enter into negotiations with a clear head and be ready to accept some give and take over who gets what – and the whole process will be much smoother. By compromising, you can cut out a lot of unpleasant mud-slinging and emotional manipulation from your divorce.
Be prepared to do the spadework You will probably need to get everything valued at the date of your separation – including your house, cars, bank accounts, pensions and investments. It is much cheaper if you do this yourself rather than getting your solicitor to do it for you, although a good Scottish family law expert will be able to provide advice if you need it.
It’s also vitally important to keep all documents and correspondence regarding the divorce – including bills and mortgage statements – in a safe, orderly file.
If you lose any of these documents, you may have to pay for replacement copies – which will add to your costs.
8. Change your Will
After you have decided on getting a divorce you should immediately make a will, or change your existing one. Remember that if you die without making a will before the divorce is finalised, your partner may be entitled to a large part of your estate, which may not be what you want to happen. If you have children, you will also need to think about providing for them in your will – as well as deciding who would get custody of any children under 18 if you die. Talk to your family law solicitor about how to make or amend your will. Remember that divorce proceedings are not a quick fix. It can take many months or even years after the papers are filed at court before the divorce is completed – and it will be longer if there are disputes over money or children. Be prepared to deal with the emotional and financial implications of such a long legal process, rather than an immediate remedy to your problems
A family lawyer will help you stay focused and result-orientated to help you achieve an amicable divorce with the best possible outcomes. This article is not intended to minimise the emotional impact of divorce but rather to help you through the process as painlessly as possible. And importantly with an eye on the best result that can be achieved for you.
Contact us
If you need expert advice or a confidential chat, our experienced family law solicitors can help. Contact us to discuss your situation.
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The content of this page is for information only. It is not intended to be construed as legal advice and should not be treated as a substitute for specific advice. Gibson Kerr Ltd accepts no responsibility for the content of any third party website to which this webpage refers. Gibson Kerr Ltd is regulated by the Law Society of Scotland.
